I'm gonna have a badass scar
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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