I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
