just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize