dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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