Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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