i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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