just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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