The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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