Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
