Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
