1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
