I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
