god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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