I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
