I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
