You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize