My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
