I'm so fucking centered right now
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
