69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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