If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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