Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
