I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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