Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
