Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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