Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
