i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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