I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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