You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
