remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
