I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
