i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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