did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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