A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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