Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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