I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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