did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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