How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
