Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
