I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
