I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
