I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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