I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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