I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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