Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
