hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
