if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
