I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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