dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
