I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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