I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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