My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
