Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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