i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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