Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize