I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
