A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
