I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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