I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
