You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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