I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
